2013 is coming to an end.

So November is already ending. Christmas is coming. And soon it will be a new year 2014! Time really pass really fast. But then, what have I achieved? In all honesty, I am really disappointed with myself.

Well, through this past few years, I've grown up a lot. I've learned new things about myself, and have grown to accept different difficulties.

The ups in my life has been very few. And the down has been really low and dark. It is quite scary.

About my weight, it has fluctuated between 57kg to 54 kg. Today when I weighed myself, I was 55.5kg.

Many things have happened through these few years, at the same time, my life seems very boring.

I have quit the same school twice. Who does that? who quits school more than once. Ive been beating up myself about it, that i am just no "strong" enough. Mentally and physically.

that is one thing i aim to be, strong.

I realised I have many anxieties, that i never admitted to having. still everyday I am trying my very best to face my fears. but i wish it was easier.

For years, i used my weight to determine my life. There was a small period, around 6 to 7 months that i actually wasnt that obsessed about my weight anymore. I didnt even weigh myself everyday like i used to do. It was an alright period, but i guess it was because i was facing alot of other problems that distracted me as well.

A year ago, i started to develop trichotillomania. Not many people know about this "illness". Basically if you google about it, it is about the irresistable urge to pull out one's own hair. I still have this problem, although it is not extremely bad as a few months ago. I pulled out a huge HUGE chunk of my hair. I used to be really proud of my hair, cause It was very often that i was complimented on my hair. (i still do get compliments) I hide my bald patches well i guess. I will probably be uploading my progress with my trichotillomania here. I guess this might soon not only be a themed weightloss blog.

I'm trying my best to get my act together based on my weight again. My standard of life might be high, but in order for me to be happy, there has to be systematic order in my life. I have to be in control and in power of my life. eat probably, exercise regularly, do things that have meaning. Then i will be happy. the way I'm living right now is very embarassing.

Since last year mid, live has been a spiral of darkness and hopelessness (apart from a few small 'ups).
I was finally diagnoise with major depression
I started smoking heavily
I started drinking more
I developed trichotillomania, ocd, icd.
I went in to a coma once (on my birthday party)
I started smoking weed and taking drugs.

These are terrible things, and if i don't get my act together quickly soon, i think me and my life would be much worse

Nobody should live life like this. I know my life doesn't seem that tragic, in fact it's not. But living the way i live isn't something to be proud of either.


Everyone be strong.

its been long

Wow. didn't realize how much time I've lost.

so many things have happened.

I even collapsed and got into a coma.

yeah. what the fuck right.

AND it was on my birthday. and I was hosting a party.

I really want to get better.

I'm lost.

One more problem i need to admit I have. I've got trichotillomania. And i hate myself for it.

one of the worst feeling is when u think ure all better, and then u relapse and u just go down the drain, and u feel all shit again

My Current Eye Candies

Amber Heard- I mean she is a definitely eye candy to many people with her stunning face and slim body! A plus point that she was once heavier and is discipline and goal oriented. She has this sex appeal about her, she doesn't even need to try to be sexy!

Jessica Alba- She is already known for her amazing fit and sexy body, she is a classic of model proportions, I'm sure many people want her bod. Although I kind of lost interest in her though. She is only a small percent of her "Honey"days.

Megan Fox- Duh. Although I was never particularly attracted to her, you can't deny what a looker she is, and skinny or curvy.. she looks good.

Candice Swanepoel- Her crazy waist to hip ratio and low body fat percentage

Doutzen Kroes- HELLO? AMAZING BODY. CUTE FACE. HELLO?? Total fitspiration, plus she has kids and has a waaaay betther body then 99% of the world. well IMO.

Kaya Scodelario- She can be hot hot hot bad girl effy, and yet her down to earth girl next door vibe in her normal days as self. Her face is stunning!

Kathryn Prescott- That fair skin? And slim body! She's a charmer.

Gillian Zinser- Total fit surfer chick, with her tomboy hippie act. And her fashion sense? Crazy hot.

Sarah Hyland- Super young looking for her age, and very well put together.

Kristen Kreuk- She's already 30 and she is just getting fitter and fitter! Have u caught her in Beauty and the Beast yet? Great acting too! Her stunnnnnniiingg face and sophisticated beauty!

Brittany Robertson- fell in love with her when watching Life Unexpected. There's just something very attractive about her. And her casual messy hair? LOVE.

Meaghan martin- Didn't really liked her when i saw her appear in other shows, but recently just decided to give 'mean girls 2' a go. And damn, love her as a total tomboy and her whatever vibe. ( the acting not so much though, the rest of the movie was kind of a pain to watch.)

Im totally crushing on wayyyy too many people now so I actually can't seem to end this list. HAHAH.

I haven't slept in 5 days.

Then and Now- Legs and thighs

On the left is during May 2012, and on the right is my legs today 3 Jan 2013.
As you can see, ALMOST a thigh gap. I have very wide hips so I'm pretty sure if I tone and lose my fats more, I will have a pretty decent thigh gap. But my leg fats are very stubborn, so it's gonna take a while. I don't know if you see the progress, but I do.
Thighs are visibly smaller ( to me) , so are my calves.
A few days ago I was walking in my wedges, and my mum said: Darling, you have been working out right? I can see your calf muscles.
:>
I didn't do a side shot with my butts and legs, like on the 'Progress page' for the May pic, but basically.... I kind of lost my butt!

Weight update and 2013 weight plan update LATER :)
Btw, HAPPY NEW YEAR.