So November is already ending. Christmas is coming. And soon it will be a new year 2014! Time really pass really fast. But then, what have I achieved? In all honesty, I am really disappointed with myself.
Well, through this past few years, I've grown up a lot. I've learned new things about myself, and have grown to accept different difficulties.
The ups in my life has been very few. And the down has been really low and dark. It is quite scary.
About my weight, it has fluctuated between 57kg to 54 kg. Today when I weighed myself, I was 55.5kg.
Many things have happened through these few years, at the same time, my life seems very boring.
I have quit the same school twice. Who does that? who quits school more than once. Ive been beating up myself about it, that i am just no "strong" enough. Mentally and physically.
that is one thing i aim to be, strong.
I realised I have many anxieties, that i never admitted to having. still everyday I am trying my very best to face my fears. but i wish it was easier.
For years, i used my weight to determine my life. There was a small period, around 6 to 7 months that i actually wasnt that obsessed about my weight anymore. I didnt even weigh myself everyday like i used to do. It was an alright period, but i guess it was because i was facing alot of other problems that distracted me as well.
A year ago, i started to develop trichotillomania. Not many people know about this "illness". Basically if you google about it, it is about the irresistable urge to pull out one's own hair. I still have this problem, although it is not extremely bad as a few months ago. I pulled out a huge HUGE chunk of my hair. I used to be really proud of my hair, cause It was very often that i was complimented on my hair. (i still do get compliments) I hide my bald patches well i guess. I will probably be uploading my progress with my trichotillomania here. I guess this might soon not only be a themed weightloss blog.
I'm trying my best to get my act together based on my weight again. My standard of life might be high, but in order for me to be happy, there has to be systematic order in my life. I have to be in control and in power of my life. eat probably, exercise regularly, do things that have meaning. Then i will be happy. the way I'm living right now is very embarassing.
Since last year mid, live has been a spiral of darkness and hopelessness (apart from a few small 'ups).
I was finally diagnoise with major depression
I started smoking heavily
I started drinking more
I developed trichotillomania, ocd, icd.
I went in to a coma once (on my birthday party)
I started smoking weed and taking drugs.
These are terrible things, and if i don't get my act together quickly soon, i think me and my life would be much worse
Nobody should live life like this. I know my life doesn't seem that tragic, in fact it's not. But living the way i live isn't something to be proud of either.
Everyone be strong.
