2013 is coming to an end.

So November is already ending. Christmas is coming. And soon it will be a new year 2014! Time really pass really fast. But then, what have I achieved? In all honesty, I am really disappointed with myself.

Well, through this past few years, I've grown up a lot. I've learned new things about myself, and have grown to accept different difficulties.

The ups in my life has been very few. And the down has been really low and dark. It is quite scary.

About my weight, it has fluctuated between 57kg to 54 kg. Today when I weighed myself, I was 55.5kg.

Many things have happened through these few years, at the same time, my life seems very boring.

I have quit the same school twice. Who does that? who quits school more than once. Ive been beating up myself about it, that i am just no "strong" enough. Mentally and physically.

that is one thing i aim to be, strong.

I realised I have many anxieties, that i never admitted to having. still everyday I am trying my very best to face my fears. but i wish it was easier.

For years, i used my weight to determine my life. There was a small period, around 6 to 7 months that i actually wasnt that obsessed about my weight anymore. I didnt even weigh myself everyday like i used to do. It was an alright period, but i guess it was because i was facing alot of other problems that distracted me as well.

A year ago, i started to develop trichotillomania. Not many people know about this "illness". Basically if you google about it, it is about the irresistable urge to pull out one's own hair. I still have this problem, although it is not extremely bad as a few months ago. I pulled out a huge HUGE chunk of my hair. I used to be really proud of my hair, cause It was very often that i was complimented on my hair. (i still do get compliments) I hide my bald patches well i guess. I will probably be uploading my progress with my trichotillomania here. I guess this might soon not only be a themed weightloss blog.

I'm trying my best to get my act together based on my weight again. My standard of life might be high, but in order for me to be happy, there has to be systematic order in my life. I have to be in control and in power of my life. eat probably, exercise regularly, do things that have meaning. Then i will be happy. the way I'm living right now is very embarassing.

Since last year mid, live has been a spiral of darkness and hopelessness (apart from a few small 'ups).
I was finally diagnoise with major depression
I started smoking heavily
I started drinking more
I developed trichotillomania, ocd, icd.
I went in to a coma once (on my birthday party)
I started smoking weed and taking drugs.

These are terrible things, and if i don't get my act together quickly soon, i think me and my life would be much worse

Nobody should live life like this. I know my life doesn't seem that tragic, in fact it's not. But living the way i live isn't something to be proud of either.


Everyone be strong.

Then and Now- Legs and thighs

On the left is during May 2012, and on the right is my legs today 3 Jan 2013.
As you can see, ALMOST a thigh gap. I have very wide hips so I'm pretty sure if I tone and lose my fats more, I will have a pretty decent thigh gap. But my leg fats are very stubborn, so it's gonna take a while. I don't know if you see the progress, but I do.
Thighs are visibly smaller ( to me) , so are my calves.
A few days ago I was walking in my wedges, and my mum said: Darling, you have been working out right? I can see your calf muscles.
:>
I didn't do a side shot with my butts and legs, like on the 'Progress page' for the May pic, but basically.... I kind of lost my butt!

Weight update and 2013 weight plan update LATER :)
Btw, HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Weight update & depression

So 2 days ago was an extremely dark period. I almost killed myself. I was so close to stepping out of my bedroom window. I was so depressed that everything, every fucking thing in life just ends up the exact way that I prayed not to. As a christian I believe that if I commit suicide I would end up in hell. And as much shit as you are going through on earth, hell is not worth it. So I cried my guts out. I cried so loud, but since everyone else was sleeping, no one could hear me. I prayed to God that he would just take me to heaven already. Take my life away when I was sleeping, so I went to sleep. And when I woke up and realized I wasn't dead yet, I started crying even louder.

Enough about that, cause basically this is a body and weight obsessed blog. No one wants to listen to my thoughts of death and suicide or how depressed I am.

So, I lost weight. I'm 57.8kg now. I've not seen a "57" in quite a long time. Which makes me 127.2 in pounds. I just realized how pathetic I sound. Heh.
Yes I have been eating lesser, but I'm not sure if the weight loss is due to me taking the scissors and snipping my hair off. Sigh.

Quick Diary Entry/ Weight update

Good morning! So it's about 5am over here. Gonna make myself a cup of coffee. Work out before 6am until about 7am and get ready for church! It's kind of upsetting that I don't workout as usual as I used to a year, or even 2 years ago. Especially now that my sleeping time is pretty bad. For the past few months I've been sleeping at odd hours, like 7am, 10am, 3pm, 5pm, and wake up at around 10pm, midnight, and 3am. Eating timings are all over the place as well. It's hard to know how much I'm actually eating. I know this isn't healthy either.

Life has been such a blur.

I have been stagnant at 58.4kg/ 128.5lbs for a while now. It sure is time to be stricter with my diet and exercise. Need to find tons more motivation and inspiration!

Hello, is everyone out there happy? I'm not :(

I have been so busy with school. Life has really just been whole mess. I've been a mess. Everyday is a battle with myself just to step out the house. I swear to my face every time i have a glance of myself in a reflection. I can't take looking like this anymore. And yet I've not been doing anything but complaining. What's wrong with me? What's going on?

It's time to set everything right.

In details, I have been treating myself wrongly. Because of all the stress I'm feeling, I give in to everything I want, and even if i don't want it. Chocolates, chocolates, bread, cakes, muffin, pies, every bad food you can imagine. Someone that says he loves me, yet unknown if he meant it as a friend or romantically has been telling me I'm not fat and that I'm beautiful the way I am. I love him. And i trust him, but I can't exactly trust his words. He buys me food and treats me well, how am i suppose to say no to those things, even if it means getting fatter? I can talk to him for hours. Even through the whole night. And that makes me not workout as well. It's been going on for months. I have not told a single friend about this, about me and him. Why? It's complicated. I wish I have someone to share my thoughts with. I wish I could feel beautiful. I wish I could be me.

Body Wishlist

I want a set of cheekbones and Jawline. And a Pretty face...

And a waist to hip ratio like that. And, that thigh gap...
I wanna be able to do that...
I want toned arms and gorgeous defined abs, if possible..
And also a long pair of killer legs.I wonder... if it's possible.


Is it?

Had enough

Sunday is Back to Fasting and completing my water fast. I think I have enough SHIT food. I know gorging/ binging on Ben and Jerry's and all that doesn't sound like a great idea. Maybe it isn't that great of idea. But I think I ate so much of all this junk, that I am sick of it, and I'm not gonna crave for it during this fast anymore. I probably should have stuck to fruits and juices during the break, but I didn't, maybe I do regret a little. But no more thinking about that. Cause it's fasting time again.

I did realised, I got lethargic and lazy when I started eating. I think the pass 2 and a half days I ate about about 7000 kcals. I know omfg. I'm shocked I didn't gain all the weight back. But I did gain back 1.2kg (2.6lbs) , not that much big a deal about it. Considering I fasted for a week, and then suddenly gorging on SHIT all day long. Anyway guys, if you all are fasting- please don't do the same thing I did! If I could, I would have stuck to fruits and veges and juices during my fasting-break, and then I probably wouldn't even have gained back.

Anyway you know what? I learnt my lesson. And I definitely see a difference of how my body react to unhealthy foods, and during the fast. When I started eating, I wasn't as alert. My friends said, they like me more when I was fasting, cos I was so jumpy and alert and smiley! (minus a little moodswings on the last day)

Can't wait to eat healthy on the next break!

All the best guys!
( I know I sound freaky positive in this post again)
;)

IM BACK BABY.

Everything's been going great. Suddenly I start feeling the excitement again as I start to get back on track and see progress again! I'M BACK BABY. hehe.

Especially when I went out with my bro and his friends ytd. Yeah I heard from people that normally brothers don't want their younger sisters to join em, but my bro is really sweet:) Yes, he is like the normal brothers who can be really mean, but he really has his extreme sweet and caring moments, although I still feel that he loves his computer more than me. :/
Out of point. Okay what I mean is I saw his friend. WHICH I SWEAR was so much heavier back then, and now he is. Yeah. He looks great within such a short time. Although he insist he hasn't been eating well. I guess it's because of a girl he fancies.
I feel a little upset, that a guy's progress is so much faster than mine when I am trying so so hard! But yet again gives me great motivation. If he can do it, so can I !!

My P90x schedule

This is my own schedule. It's actually exactly the same as the p90x Lean version schedule given, except that I replaced all the yoga with either cardio or plyometric. It's actually not that I find yoga hard or anything. Actually haven't viewed it. It's actually more of a religion thing? And making my parents happy. They want me doing no yoga:)

Turning Pear to Apple?

Another thing I wanna mention is about body shape. I think I've said before that I have extremely fat legs- which is the first few posts I've ever posted of my body. So it's to say, I'm a pear. Right? Cause my arms aren't that fat, and my upper middle isn't that fat too. But ever since I lost a bit of weight, yep, my legs have been totally, out of proportion, comparing to my body. But recently, you guys know, I've gained quite a bit of weight, due to my stupid laziness. The thing is, I've been packing on my stomach. Like upper and lower stomach. And I am so sure, my legs are at its thinnest, my arms as well. But all the fat just go to my stomach! Gross. (and my face). So I am confused. again. Are my body genes changing? I'm a pear, on it's way to an apple?
Weird huh? And I'm so sad, I kinda lost my waist. I don't wanna go around looking like this.

Day 7

I'm tired. My period came. I feel so fugly fat.

Btw, I thought I remember seeing pictures of Gemma Ward's weight gain, like, really massive weight gain. But today I watched Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. If I'm not wrong, one of the mermaids was Gemma Ward, she really looked slim. Like She never gained weight before. Has she lost all the weight already? I'm confused:/

Day 5

Tummy not feeling so good. Maybe too much milk. Decided to weigh at the end of the week.

Intake
12noon- Banana(100), apple (50), Grapes (50), milk (40)
1pm- Almonds(70), Eggplant w sauce (130), milk (40)
1.30- Bread (300), Milk (40)
Thus far= 820kcal

Today just went down hill. Don't even wanna elaborate on it. It's 11.30pm here now.
Just done crying. Cause my parents were being a pain in the ass. They piss me off like fucking hell. Can't they atleast try to be human. Fuck. Mom, I gave you so many chances. I'm washing my hands off you.

Workout

So its almost 3AM here. Just did workout. Yeah, I procrastinated again. At 2am, I was like, Fuck, Just do this shit! So finally, 30mins cardio! Hell yeah.
Ca4
Co1
Co3
Co6
Co7 ( 1 down)

Yeah, I noticed. Not even 10. But better than none. Plus, consistency is what I need to settle with first.

http://thinanonymous.blogspot.com/2011/05/28-days-workout-regime.html

I didn't drop any yet. But I'm having muscle ache, on my arms, legs and calves. Don't feel any ache on the core. This means I can do so much more for my mid section. Even though, yesterday for core I did- 60 bicycle crunches, 30 reverse crunches, 50 crunches, 50 side crunches, 2minute plank hold. ( I did 20 man push-ups, weight punches and weighted squats that should have some effect to the core too right?)

Even though my weight has went up, I realized the way the fat is being distributed is so much different than how when I first started. I am a pear. I tend to gain weight more on my thighs and legs. But seems like I tend to gain fat around my midsection now, distributed evenly to what I put on below(which actually isn't a bad thing). My arms, are thinner then ever though. I used to have big flabby arms. It's so much better contoured now. Though of course here is so much more fat to lose.

I'm thinking of starting a exercise log. To see what exercises actually work on me better and stuff. Just to monitor, know my body better and speed up fat loss.

Yes, I do get emotionally affected by my weight. Especially knowing people who are 10cm taller than me, but 10 kg/22lbs lighter than me. I feel so, so big and, quite the gross.

But oh, did I mention.. I LOVE MUSCLE ACHES;)

Screw the crave!

I had been craving for carbo, like Bread, bun, kind of carbo, since the afternoon. I'm so glad, I manage to push it off:) After all the eating. Time to rest my body for about an hour or two. Then it's time for some intense workout today:)

Because I've been feeling very ugly, for the past days, ever since I went from 119 to 124. Which I really have no idea how it happened? I ate bread everyday, and tarts, and everything unhealthy , yes I didn't workout.. But, I measured and observed myself everyday. But one day it was just like, BOOM FIVE POUNDS UP. How the fuck did that happen?
But instead of beating myself up about it, as well do something about it. ( and of course don't let it happen again.) It's hard to feel beautiful when this happens, but, that's just how it is.

Thinking of posting a pic of my weight gain, to see the before and after 28 days. Hm, maybe.

Work something out

Because of my flu, I'm not really feeling for cardio. My nose is so uncomfortable!

Workout
Ca2 (actually not really considered, since It was way too short and little)
Co1
C02
Co4
Co5
R4
R5
R3 (20 reps)

I know I said to do 10 a day. But I've gotta settle with barely 8.
I will punish myself, and gruel myself, after this flu, and passing fatigue.

Mann, I sound like such a lazy poop on my blog, who lacks discipline.

I want a Korean body.

I am not crazy about "Kpop-ness". But I'm sure I'm not the only to notice how TINY Koreans.. well, most Koreans are. I have a few Korean friends, I guess I could say, when I do eat with them.. most of the time, they do make weird interesting choices of food. Like those lotus soup, ginseng chicken, or something like that. Hahahah. And I noticed, they eat soooooooooooooooo slow. Like omg slow. And just when they are half way through their meal, they claim they are full. In my mind I'm just thinking 'You gotta be kidding me'. I just find it unbelievable. Or maybe I'm just a greedy pig. I notice that they are pretty healthy conscious, and are very bright and knowledgeable.

Few years back I watched a Korean drama. Goong/Princess Hours. Song Ji Hyo, plays as a ballerina there. I've always envied her body! (Actually I envy almost every Korean girl's body)

Name: 송지효 / Song Ji Hyo
Real name: 천성임 / Chun Sung Im (Cheon Seong Im)
Profession: Actress
Birthdate: 1981-Aug-15
Birthplace: South Korea
Height: 168cm
Weight: 46kg










Kinda found a lot of Korean height and weight stats, and the thing that bothers me a lot is that, they are always taller than me, and yet way lighter than me. I know that we can't compare bodies, but seriously. Some of them are like 10cm taller than me, and yet 10kg lighter than me. Wow, I don't wanna be standing next to any of them. Oh wait, I always do. Cause we attend the same school course. Thanks alot skinny taiwans and koreans! ( I actually do love you guys)

Day 2 @56.4kg/ 124.1lbs

So my weight didn't change. I pray to God, that it's just water weight. And that my period would just come already!

Intake
11am- Milk (80), 16 Almonds (112), grapes (50), 1/2 apple( 35), seaweed (10)
Breakfast = 287

I'm still having aches all around my body. Not muscle aches though.

//Edit

My constant eating, I can't exactly account for.

eggplant (250), egg(100), Whey Protein shake (210), Almonds (350), Apple(75), 1/2 apple (40), seaweed (100), Subway tuna sandwhich(530), Coffee with mate (40), Mark and Spencer candy (330), soy protein shake (103)

Total 2415kcal

so if it wasn't for the candy and the sandwhich, I would be down 1555. So maybe my weakness is that I don't know how to turn down food from people :(

My Brother bought for me the sub. So I ate it. I wasn't that hungry. But I ate it. I actually didn't know that the subway tuna sub was THAT unhealthy. Until I checked up on it, and found out it was a whopping 530kcal. How the hell? I mean isn't tuna healthy? Gawd.

And that candy was like this:
(While television time)
Daddy: Come , take take. Eat more. Your favorite. Eat more!
Me: Oh okay. *picks one and throw into my mouth* *takes the packet, and pick up another 5 more* *open an un-opened packet from the table, took another 3* -Until I saw that it was 58kcal per gummy.

I don't really have a excuse for my lack of self-discipline. And I skipped night class today. Cause I'm facing the fatigue. Damn you period!

I didn't really think I ate that much today. UNTIL NOW, where I actually calculated it. I feel like such a fat blob. Can this tough down period just end already?

28 days Workout Regime

Cardio (Ca)
1# Jump rope
2# Rebounder- High knees, Jumping Jacks, Thud Jumps
3# HIIT ; High Intensity Interval Training
4# Treadmill
5# 4 count Burpees

Cardio aim- Mininum of 30minutes a day.
HIIT will be at 3 to 5 times a week.

Core (C0)
1# Planks (2minutes minimum)
2# Bicycle Crunches (60 reps)
3# Reverse Crunches (30 reps)
4# Normal Crunches (50 reps)
5# Side Crunches (25 reps per side)
6# Hip extensions (30 reps)
7# Body Bridge ( 5 downs)

Resistance training/ weights (R)
1# Squats with two 5kg/11lbs dumb bell (30 reps)
2# Lunges with two 5kg/11lbs dumb bell (30 reps LR)
3# Lateral raises with two 3kg/6.6lbs dumb bell (30reps)
4# Throw punches with 3kg/6.6lbs dumb bell per hand (40 reps LR)
5# Bench press 5kg/11lbs dumb bell (30 reps)
6# Dead lifts 5kg/11lbs dumb bell ( 30 reps)
7# Tricep dips (30 reps)
8# Leg dips ( 40 reps LR)

These are my lists of workouts I've created for myself. Do not misunderstand, it's not EVERYDAY, that I will do EVERYTHING. But I will plan it accordingly for throughout the 28days. For example: Day 1- Ca2, Ca5, Co1, Co2, Co4, Co5, Co6, R1, R4, R6, R7, R8.
I would be doing about 10 choices a day. And with at least one Ca(cardio) chosen.

In my mind about 28 days program

What I actually want to create, is a constructive plan, that is intensive. Because I do realise, I've been letting myself go easy. It is NOT the time to go easy on myself. It would be nice to have a personal trainer, but I'm not that privileged, and puh-lease, I'm not going to spend $1000 per hour for some muscle dude to scream at me( as desperate as I am ).

For the next 28 days. I'm going to be strict, and push myself far more than I have ever did.

I aim to lose minimum 10lbs, by the end of this 28 days. Saying so, that means it would be 2.5lbs weight loss per week. (which is nothing compared to 'the biggest loser', or 'I used to be fat')

I plan to do more Cardio. Which isn't really my favorite thing to do. But I will make myself love it if I have to.

Wish me luck.